Radio in the car

So, my CD player in my car needs to be cleaned and I've been listening to the radio more lately, like today, for example, while I "ran some errands" (I remember hearing that expression as a kid and being perplexed, and also the feeling of hassle that came with it. I, however, enjoyed getting things accomplished today.) Maybe the half-dream I woke up in this morning foreshadowed the programs I listened to today. I had some imagery in my head about being in a small room with no light, or just a tiny crack at the top of the ceiling which might let some light in. Just the suggestion was enough to set a certain taste in my mouth, of dread of "solitary confinement." After the jovial end of "Car Talk" and the Bob Edward's show (which featured a book and documentary about Eisenhower and war, among other things) I listened to a Radio Netherlands interview with Omer Goldman and felt, well, kind of spellbound and impressed. It is different from my life thus far. I am friends with some people who have been arrested, tear-gassed, at protests, etc. That does not describe anything that has happened to me, but I am not completely disconnected from activism.

Art on buildings website

Juana Alicia on oddwall.com
(Prior to viewing this, retrieval of information in the brain could be labeled as: somber, joyful, all mixed up...the butterfly clip in the hair of a co-worker from Baghdad...the name of the disappeared brother-in-law written on a slip of paper that was lost...the song that one doesn't remember putting on a mixed tape for someone...someone's old summer anthem becomes the evening's karaoke duet ...)
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From the same youtube channel...this is pretty freaking cute.

Ye olde digital camera still works...

After years of sitting in a box. Must learn formatting, etc. etc. etc. The white cat picture is from 2005.

I just got out of class

And I just had a very cold drink. It was chilled by my bedroom window. Under that teeny heat grate. Hah, reincarnation of frigid Andean hotel room. I ate a 50 cent burrito to warm up. The drink is starting to hit a little. There's a song in my head. Mellow Yellow. It's either because of that Reverend's speech or the packet of saffron my sister gave me! I also just ate 1/3 of a box of chocolate. Oh, there are only six pieces. It came in a package today, along with tea and Scribbling The Cat. Now, only three are left.

How to retrieve random Fukuoka information

One way to do it is to have some friends who move off to West Virginia to pursue ecological projects and are willing to give an old Macintosh PowerBook to you (yay!) so you trade them a food dehydrator for it, and eventually you open up a list of websites and discover Fukuoka.

Jewelry, etc.

Not so sure if it can pay rent next month afterall, (using eBay, anyway.) Oh well, maybe there are other options. But, I just remembered another interesting film that I saw in Seattle. A Price Above Rubies.
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Muy random article: Drunk workers in Peru can't be fired. Memory of watching men wearing business suits drinking multiple rounds of cerveza = not surprised! Speaking of which, I just took a gander at a Peruvian cerveza commerical. Certain attributes are featured prominently.

3 images for "Buffalo Woman Comes Singing"

I really like the content as well as the cover of the book I have been reading. The cover painting was done by an artist named Rick Faist, but I didn't find a website for him. The book is Buffalo Woman Comes Singing and it was written by Brooke Medicine Eagle. These are from a search of images associated with that title. They come from:
An upcoming conference on shamanism
An ex-army guy's myspace page and
A tiny rural library in New Hampshire
respectively.

Discovered a good radio show

Preview! made me want to transform myself into an avid classical music enthusiast. The woman hosting the show had a very melodious voice.

To dream and experience a kind of reality

A dream about suffering can cut through consciousness shrilly. One is about a naked, weeping girl, who might be wearing make-up and diamonds, cutting into her armpits and guiltily crying about it. [For the dreamer, portions of Epicenter from Transient Songs by Amber Gayle: I feel sharp like miniscule weights / hold me down...and nothing soothes quite like / the cold metallic bliss...no time but this has ever existed...no time but this not time but this...everyone else is in bed, Goddess...I dread the night it is endless / the night and me alone...I cringe / at my own premonitions. ] Wake up to: a T.V. blaring information about torture and brothel slavery. Lots of aircraft flying overhead lately. The noise can make the car shake. Some other information: get housing off post. There was an officer's daughter, and a group of GIs, she kept making suicide attempts, and finally the psychiatrist told her parents. A person whose already got PTSD has got to get deployed again. Addictions to violent video games. What if that's where you were born and you were a girl? All those yucky vibes in the atmosphere. That's what some people don't want to talk about. Not having a good day. Tears spilling out of eyes in the car. Losing it. There is a walk in the park. Try to extricate self from that nonsense. Be better, be better.

Discovered a good radio show

Today has been a certain kind of day. Mmmm. Yeah. I really hope this bizarre back pain dissipates before I go to work. On a better note, Preview!, which I discovered on Sunday night, made me want to transform myself into an avid classical music enthusiast. The woman hosting the show had a very melodious voice.

Fun scene idea!

I think so, anyway! I imagine three girls (daughters of "The Transcendentalists,") looking out a window and laughing at the grownups. "When winter came, Hawthorne often joined Thoreau and Emerson in skating on the river...Thoreau did 'dithrambic dances and Bacchic leaps on the ice' while Hawthorne 'moved like a self-impelled Greek statue, stately and grave,' and Emerson 'closed the line evidently too weary to hold himself erect, pitching headforemost, half lying on the air.'"
From The Days of Henry Thoreau, Walter Harding, page 139.

Random childhood memory

I lived on an island down the road from a girl who lived in an old church with a big bell which the mom used to ring to call the kids home when they were out playing (in the actual woods and stuff, thank you very much, not on the internet or gaming) and we went down to the shore and swung out over the water on a big rope swing, it was fantastic, and then we met some adult friends of theirs, later I found out they were in some way connected or perhaps were the original creators of Gumby.

General short life update thing.

My sister got married and she's going to live by that army post where I was born. (Yeesh.) I went to my mom's house (soon to be sold or rented--what a transient family!) and carted home some old childhood books and a piggy bank that my mom's ex-boyfriend's Norwegian mom gave me when I was a kid. Among other things. This song is in my head a lot, maybe because I got a refurbished mp3 player for Christmas, and still work at a restaurant, and it came out when I was a waitress when I was nineteen.
Six Underground.
I ate a tagine today. (Gave my sister 2 Moroccan cookbooks for Christmas.)

Le "Sinnerman" song

First, it was in my head, off the CD player in my car. Later I watched the clip from the movie. So now it's still mostly (like 80%) just the song but a little bit (like 20%) also the movie. Mostly just the song though.
(20 minutes later, the brain is completely occupied with another activity.)

Pedazos

You see some girls walk in and introduce themselves to one another. A table and another handshake is shared with strangers. Elsewhere, someone has a photo of you and a friend, taken at a party, in which you appear bonita and he will bring it in to show you, cuando vas a trabajar? lunes, martes, y despues, viajo al otro estado. Me lleva(?) Conjugation of the verb "llevar." No. Porque no? Porque...viajo solita. Ok. Despues, less smiling. Porque? Remember, years back, a girl in a brown hooded jacket (so nice to hide in, like a monk's habit. Cowl.) in a bookshop in Amsterdam. A boy up to her, hey hey, I like your style. What country are you from? I have a friend who owns a Subway, hey do you want to come out to a club. Girl: I'm READING. Boy: Ok. I just wanted to see if you wanted to go to the Subway! Leaving her staring at him with an open mouth, wanting to pull him back to her and just explain, if only he didn't run off so quickly. Like then, now. A small lever of misery pressing on the heart. (Bitter, self-critical thought: why do you do that? porque soy una bitch. No.) Walk back, be brave, open mouth. Que tal tu chamba. Bien. And how is yours. Aburrida. No estoy haciendo nada. Quieres trabajar aqui? Si. Okay. Ven aqui. Un ratito. Ok. Que puedo hacer en la cocina. You can get rid of that water. How? Push it. With this. No not like that. Push down harder. You have to push it all the way to the end, see, where Chino is standing. Ah! What is that? A burning receipt on the floor. What are you doing? Oh my god, don't set the kitchen on fire. We need it. That is not okay to do in those shoes. Here give it back to me. Later a girl is down on the floor. Una chica esta enferma. What? What kind of language is that? Where did you learn that? Es...castellano! Aprendi un poquito in Peru. What did you say? Una chica! Una mujer. Una mujer joven. You mean, una senorita? Yes. Okay. Some people say, I think she just passed out. SAD. What was wrong? You wouldn't have known, if you hadn't asked, that she also had cancer and was bald and wore a wig. A member of the nice hand-shaking girl crew hovered over her on the stretcher, murmuring supportively and wagging fingers over her eyes.

Listened to

A re-broadcast of a show about Utah Philips this morning.
"He said, 'You were born a white man in mid-twentieth century industrial America. You came into the world armed to the teeth with an arsenal of weapons, the weapons of privilege, economic privilege, racial privilege, sexual privilege. You’re going to be a pacifist. You’re not just going to lay down guns and fists and knives and hard angry words. You’re going to have to lay down the weapons of privilege and go into the world completely disarmed. Well, you try that.'"

"American" (?) social perceptions

A friend of mine was saying the other night that he and his friend got called "white people" in a joking, somewhat derogatory way. He's only half "white," his friend's background is Chinese, and the guy saying it to them was Russian. He said that in his experience, in other countries, people usually pay more attention to other things, like one's religious affiliation, and that the concept of a "white person" is a very "American" construct.

Zose songs zat get stuck in one's head or throat

Sometimes. For better or for worse!
Zee most mainstream song: Favorite Mistake
Zee song from zee college days: I Need Love
(Although I think, technically, it came out before I went to college.)
Zee song from zee CD player: Sunny Road
Zee second most mainstream song: 1973
Zee song from around zee ending of childhood: Sweet Child O' Mine
(Funny comment that was made the other evening: "How can someone be old enough to drink who wasn't born before Appetite for Destruction?")

Holly Jolly Holiday

Soon I will be going over to a friend's house for dinner, but this morning I'm watching clips of Cold Comfort Farm. "Robert Post's child!" (Hmmm, maybe it's because she's a big fan of the movie, too.) "Are you sure a parson should have a plane?" "Everyone should have a plane." "Oh, really Charles!" I was watching Dangerous Beauty, which I still like (although I was informed by a friend who teaches fencing that the witty and playful swordfighting scene is about as historically accurate as everyone laughing at someone coming into a party and waving a gun around.) It's a little hard for me to take Rufus Sewell too seriously as a romantic hero, tho, because I keep thinking about him these sorts of scenes.
And here.
And here.
Quiver!

Winter dance song & memory

Actually, The Mummer's Dance sings about "springtime" but I was listening to it recently. I still remember that when I was perhaps 13(?), on rare snowy night, I got up, stood in front of a window, and eventually concluded that I was looking down on a circle of people moving rhythmically in clockwise fashion, half-running, half-bouncing, in the field by our house.

Bonjour, library

Bonjour, C. S. Lewis course.
Bonjour, C. S. Lewis on wikipedia.

More festive music

An especially joy-inducing Christmas album was We Wish You A Merry Christmas by White Eisenstein. For me, it was an introduction to more medieval-sounding music, and I loved it. The tape was first listened to on an island in the Puget Sound. Later, the CD was purchased in Northern California, although I feel as if the shop that sold it probably had some suspiciously New Age-y vibes (which would not have been my father's cup of tea.) Absolutely adored the flute and guitar, and still do, so I have got to find the CD, if it's not at my mom's house. Oooh, Pan-flute.com.
Well, I just tried to look up Coventry Carol. Eeesh. Strangely fascinating, but also gruesome and dire. Rewind, erase, and mentally replay the White Eisenstein instrumental version!

Best Xmas card of this year

Two kinds

Caroling!
Most nostalgia-inducing carol would be: The Little Drummer Boy by Living Voices (I'm downloading that). I listened to it so much that it is my default "proper" rendition of that song. And some of the other songs are kind of that way, too. Like "Do You Hear What I Hear." "Pine Cones and Hollyberries." (I know that one got in my head repetitively!) That is my upstate New York childhood Christmas music.
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Some of my friends are going caroling tonight in the shopping district of Georgetown and they will be singing alternative versions of carols:
Silent night, holy night
ice caps thawed, polar plight
take your day to a higher place
at the dawn of redeeming grace
money does not equal worth
money does not equal worth.

Grocery shopping...

Me today: standing in front of an aisle of bags of dried beans, comparing prices. Ignoring the sounds of kids' voices behind me, completely (and I must say, almost contentedly) absorbed in this task. Startlingly, I became aware of a little face leaning into my field of vision, peering up at me with intense curiosity. I felt strangely scrutinized. Then I gave him a little smile. He smiled back and ran off (with his brother?) to their parents. I felt much happier after this. A little face of curiosity came over to look at me! Why? In a lot of stores around here, it is more common to hear people speaking Spanish or Korean. I should learn more of those languages
________________________

A few months ago, when I was backing out my car, I heard people shouting in another language, and stopped. An older lady (maybe Korean?) came running behind my tire and scooped up a little terrier dog.
The next morning, after parallel-parking my car, a good half hour's drive away from where we live, I found an animal bone resting on a part of the hood, just below the windshield.
________________________
Once, when I was in the grocery store, I saw a lady behind the counter yelling at some customers because they only spoke Spanish. I thought "Well, I could intervene there," but something told me not to. Still, it made me feel anxious. I went around the corner and then came back to see if she was still yelling at them. A kind of breakthrough had obviously been made, despite the language barrier, because they were all laughing. I felt much better seeing them all laughing than I would have if I'd "rescued" the situation. Sometimes that is the good that comes of not interrupting people.

Celebrity news...

Today an article about the death of a "1950s Pin Up" caught my attention. Part of the reason for this might be because of some pictures a very talented photographer friend took of me when I was 22. She brought them into work and showed some people. I was not a scantily-clad, raven-haired S & M chick in any of them, so when I heard that a guy said I resembled Betty Page, I went, "Who the heck is she?" And then of course I was completely curious to find out more about her. I don't really think I ever looked like her, but it's the only time I can remember that anyone compared me to a celebrity, so that made it's impression on me. Sounds like she had a troubled life but leaned on religion. I think it would have been interesting to have met her. Maybe I would have tried to get her to accept taking pictures of her older self, and wanted douse her with alternative healing therapies!

Sojourners

What do you do when some of your family was not related to you and perhaps you'll never see them again? Like the Canadian woman who kept us at her house when our mother was on business trips. Like a son of two Norwegian immigrants who was a father figure for a while. Like the uncle I had for 19 years who was American, but also from a different culture because he was black. "Hello, beautiful!" was the first thing he'd always say to us. Who else in my life commands that phrase like him, in my memory? I think one of the things you can do is appreciate things they shared with you about their upbringing and culture. "Love the sojourner...for you were sojourners" was the biblical theme of my baptismal program, which my grandmother saved for me. Our spirits are sojourning in these bodies.
Biblical views of sojourners.

Miss Lavender Diamond

She has a video and song called Open Your Heart.
(Actually, that's not her real name, but it was fun to type...)
I always meant to look them up after I read an interview in arthur.

Positive visualization

Healthy lungs and a room that is warm, cozy, well-organized and receptive to higher healing angelic energy. Nice, clean air to breathe. Thank you. Thank you for the down comforter, the many blankets, and the feeling of warming up. I feel that an appreciation of textiles is very important.

Midwesterner's soup

At my old job, everyone I worked with has been laid off.
How to lay people off:
Give a speech about the economy, bolt, and let HR take over!

For future reference!

Life is going to get good; life is going to get better. I used to travel. I went to Peru several times. I went on business trips to places, including Amsterdam. However, I had other lessons to learn. And now, for many, many reasons, I am older and wiser. Imagine, some people learn to knit or crochet when they are like, 8 years old, and I am just learning. You can re-discover things all the time. Early this morning, when I looked into the mirror after coughing into the sink for a prolonged period of time, I said to myself, "See how the human body works in order to survive? Look at those eyes! So alive!" Actually, I didn't think it out so concretely as that, but it's close to how I felt. I'd like to learn about sand play therapy. I have a very good childhood memory of being in a public place and using my hands in a sandbox while standing up. Picture of an adult playing in sand.

Song, song, song.

Idealistically, it's reminding me of being 14 on an island, the first boys who really liked me as a "young adult" (and they seemed so much older!), the first boyfriend, the health food store, the skipping of school, the population's propensity towards mind-altering substances, the hippie artistic people, their parents, riding around in the back of old cars, woods, and love. Norwegian Wood. Ah! Don't kill me, song. Yes, I could write something more complex and intricate about that place, though. I wonder how to do it justice? Maybe I have to take some writing classes. Make myself think hard about imagery and precision. Or just allow it to pour out, and then edit it.

Old favorite painting of mine...

"The Sense of Sight" by Annie Louise Swynnerton

I am going to actively...

Yes, that's actively now, (as opposed to more passively, esp. in this past year or so) learn more about things like HMR and HSP. The blessing of illness could be that it teaches you the value of your own good health. Maybe it can pull you out of a ditch that you were stuck in, if you let it.
Sowing the Seeds.

Nice gallery...

I love pictures from the Perelandra photo gallery.

Bodies are special

Love your bronchial tubes. For me, especially on my left side.
Singing Book. Body Love. Love Your Body. Love Your Lungs.
Rose energy, orange, green, white light, angelic higher healing energy.

IOAMD

Last night was awful. Now is much better. Interesting Objects At My Disposal: Library books! Take This Bread. The Happy Hooker. (It takes a long time to get the original knitting book. There is a queue.)
Laptop + internet = Thank U.

Sigh. Winter.

I ache, I'm cold, I shake, my chest hurts, but...
its temporary........,,,,,,,,,
Time for tea and covers and sleep.
Rose energy, orange, green, white light, angelic higher healing energy...

Healers

Who else, maybe, are healers of the planet?
Alison's Heart Sings.
Artiste Nouveau.
A Stitch In Time.
Eastern Oregon Desert.
This Interview.

Words on women by women

"As far as I knew white women were never lonely..." by Maya Angelou
Helen by H.D.
Hanging Fire by Audre Lorde.
Diving Into The Wreck by Adrienne Rich

Writing something kind of blah

I'm going to extend nanowrimo, because there is no way I'm meeting this word count. Maybe it will just be a collection of micro-whatever. Personality A observes Personality B, and, in spite of the fact that A continously thinks that B has so many things which could be improved upon and fixed, like really a very long list, A will still recognize that B's need to be likable, liked, and yada yada yada is so...annoying...but also knows that "annoying" could actually be quite a relief to feel, in case there would be much worse options of other ways to feel (threatened! traumatized! ridiculously angry!) but also questions self, and wonders, what is that feeling, "annoying," really? Maybe it is only a little part of an unevolved personality that is denying a basic part of it's own humanity. Perhaps it is just flailing around, still trying to figure out the proper amounts of food, air, water, and sunlight it needs to function properly in this current vehicle, in this current reality.

Heya, artist

Alison's Heart Sings
I found it after looking at Artiste Nouveau, after looking at A Stitch In Time. That first person is from Oregon. I was just looking at pics of the Eastern Oregon Desert because that was, according to this interview, the setting for The Tombs of Atuan.

Searching for gainful employment

So, yesterday after somewhat dreary exposure to relatives' cynicism, combined with questions about career and personal life, I decided to resume the job search. When I looked at a posting about being a program assistant for the American Bar Association on domestic violence, I thought, wow, I'm sure that is a very good cause, but honestly, it was almost too depressing to look at. But, another one was on ethical practices in health care. I felt much better. I liked the word "ethical" in the title.

That Old, Cheery Favorite From CHILDHOOD!

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Hollydaze....

Hello, life. Relatives: "I still love you, even though you voted for someone who is going to tax the hell out of me!" Better to acknowledge the love you can muster... Joking in the kitchen about how many descendants of Charlemange it takes to make gravy. Considering applying for food stamps, possibly selling one necklace, a pair of earrings, and the bike (?) but not the car, and not the laptop. How to manage, how to juggle, how to negotiate, how to relax, how to take care of self, how to flow, how to be happy, how to be really productive, how to apply, how to, how to...

Something(s) to try, someday

A pumpkin smoothie.
"Quinoa Pilgrim Hat" Cute. Nice Peruvian grain.

Nice, positive thought

I hope this will make me feel better. I was thinking about working something into Nanowrimo. There could be a little part where a girl has a dream that ends in a really positive way. Let's say it was about about a successful magician went to this really great academy. It loved and nurtured him and gave him great insights into how to properly utilize his magical powers. Then he moved on and had a life. Sadly, after he left, Academy O So Wondrous fell into hideous disrepair and ruin, and it's attendents began to practice a series of satanic initiations involving vile evil concoctions which were poured down unsuspecting throats, thereby triggering a hideous cycle of violence, repulsion, horror, despair. Well, what if the beloved magician went back, and because of his superpowers, immediately detected all the rotten things that totally needed to be cleaned up there, and then waved his magic wand, and everything was all wonderful and restored again! Wouldn't that be great. I wonder if anything like this was ever on the Smurfs?

Hmmm...

"...during the first hour everyone did needlework--knitting crocheting, embroidery, needlepoint--in silence. During the second hour, all continued to do needlework while speaking deeply to the others about their lives...Handcrafts belong to an earlier world, the slower pace of preindustrial life where one had the leisure to sink deeply and profoundly into the rhythms of nature within and without and to feel a connection with the earth as a living spiritual entity. We make things by hand to express who we are...Handcrafts throughout history have often been fashioned with the aid of prayer, one prayer for each bead or each stitch, while keeping good thoughts to enhance the spiritual purpose of the object. It is no accident that some of the finest lace in Europe was fashioned in convents; like the counting of the rosary, the motions of needlework are singularly well suited to the practice of contemplation." The Knitting Sutra (Pages 3 & 4.)

Va a mejorar

Today held another disappointment about a job-search related thing, so that was what it was. I also spent some time feeling sick with worry, but, I really don't ever want to feel any more upset by this sort of thing than I already have, and I mean, ever. Negativity is too counter-productive right now. Things must get better!!! So, I am going to read some positive things about manifesting good things. And maybe work on knitting, because I like that. Also, as opposed to just reading some pep talk stuff, feeling good for 10 minutes, and than sliding back into a depression for an hour, I am going to work on feeling positive for a long and extended period of time. That should be better. Yes, even if I have to sell (or if it won't sell, give away in the spirit of abundance) certain items to scrape by, I will be happy. (Oh no, is using the phrase "to scrape by" too counterproductive?) OK, I am not going to waste time writing any more on this topic right now. Tomorrow will be a nice holiday, and enjoyment will rule, and I will allow it to start right now.

De punto

One of my creative knitting friends even knits sushi. That looks tasty.
I want to ride a train and knit a cool project.

Quintessential Repast

I enjoyed my dinner of tofu, vegetables & rice! I feel like making a bunch of recipes. (They're so old! Like from the 90s!) Also, I want to experiment with bitter melon. Lately, I have been experiencing wishes to visit places like monasteries, or else more spiritual/sacred sites in nature. I recently read that there is a fruitcake fueled monastery near here. I think that is in the region where my sister found Welsh ancestors like "Sir William the Extravagant." Meyow, cats. I have visited the Lady of Lourdes grotto, though not recently. (I am strangely entertained by this person's cooking channel.) Why am I so interested in the sound of southern accents? Oh, yeah. When I was in first grade I was tormented for an entire year by a teacher, in part because when I first arrived in NY I had, apparently just from a little summer vacation, a tiny bit of a southern accent & maybe b/c I wasn't Catholic like everyone else (supposedly.) That was a LONG year!
* I just had a sweet craving and to assuage it I made a strange concoction of tahini, cocoa, agave nectar and rose water.

Hooray for Energy Efficient Innovation

I found this photo of one of my environmentally conscious gardening project friends in quintessential cheerleader mode. Anyway, another friend gave me an idea for what I can do with my beginning knitting projects: make them into draft dodgers! Or, what is more important to me right now, keep the cold out of my room (which is located right at the corner of the building where the wind always hits.) I just fastened an old pair of black stretch-y pants to the bottom of my bedroom window with painters tape. But soon, no matter how twisted or how many holes are in the stitches, I expect that all sorts of colorful knitted pieces will cover various portions of it. Since a tiny heating vent sits right above the monstrously large, drafty window, I'm hoping that this will help my room feel less like the temperature of a cheap hotel in the Andes. Ah! I feel warmer already...(thank you, extra sweater).

Songs and Context

Songs like Cinderella Under My Umbrella and Get Low (ha, penguins) sound a lot better at a place like Lace. Maybe when I am there, I feel like I'm getting the same amount of pleasure from that music as an average guy gets in the "normal" world. Because it's a different energy. Because a lot of girls are dancing and they like each other and are not being lame. Because a few guys are in there and they also seem pretty happy. (By contrast, on the way home, I almost drove into the middle of what seemed to be a fight between two groups of young men while I was turning around in a suburban mall.) I really enjoyed myself. Good, too, because on my way there, I was feeling nauseated and kind of in a foul mood. I felt a little weird at first when I got there, & I was definitely not one of those who was getting all crazy on the dance floor. But everyone was so nice and friendly. Very diverse mix of people, and a very warm and personable lady just opened it. I looked in a mirror and saw one personality that is a white girl with a weird thing about Thoreau and some other people and that is okay. I felt as if I were knitting together shreds of self-esteem. Often going out seems like a frivolity, but I am more motivated to make money if I can spend it in that kind of environment. And I think my everyday life should be more like that! Happiness.

Joys in Life

Hair dryers in swimming pool locker room.

Why I am so pleased with myself

I made an important phone call I'd been putting off.
I did it, I did it, I did it.
God, what a relief that it's done with.

Knitting book...and other...

I. In addition to the many "how-to" books I also have checked out Knitting Heaven and Earth and I am enjoying reading that one.
II. Random thoughts! I showed some of my knitting friends the Dear Deer video which I originally found here, and I thought of All in Green Went My Love Riding, and they went "what the..." and then we resumed cheerful watching of Monty Python and Flight of the Conchords, but still I thought it was appropriate, because we were in Ohio, and one of them had just shown me a real photo of two deer touching noses...so I would have never tried knitting but I may have caught the Stitch n' Bitch virus; we shall see...the book I checked out is set in Northern CA, which reminds of me visiting my father when he was stationed there, and of listening to various R & B songs on the radio, like Back to Life, and the public library there was so cool, too, and I read a book I really liked called A Stitch in Time by Penelope Lively. (That cover is nice but it's not the same! I remember a sampler prominently displayed.) Probably read it while we ate at Carl's Jr. And we went to Nepenthe (most gorgeous views ever!) a few times. And I remember as well staring with incredible longing at things in a "Hello Kitty" store in the mall where the lady was rude and I felt that it was because I looked poor and parentless. Oh and there was this store in Carmel that had the most perfect, albeit ridiculously expensive (for us) hand-knit sweater that I tried on when family was there, and we talked about it for a long time.
XX Question about life:
Did - you - ever - feel - like - some - girl - you - might - have - played - with -on - a - playground - when - you - were - like - four - now - disdains - to - interact - with - you - because - YOU - DON'T - HAVE - A - MOTHERFUCKING - DICK?

Just stay at home with mom...

I was just half-watching (not really, because I was wrestling with yarn) a video on "Marco Polo's Shangri-la" and I caught some information about Mosuo women. (That's a different video.)

Meh

Beginner knitter.

Little House as Economics Lesson

The Long Winter

Controversial

Helen Mirren and Vera Baird.
Interesting. It reminds me that once I was speaking with someone who seemed like quite a nice person, but she told me that she would not be able to view a victim on trial without thinking that she must've "asked for it" because of the clothes she was wearing. "I don't agree with you," I told her. "Well, I'm not necessarily saying I agree with me either..." she replied.

I guess the holidays are coming...

So, soon, some people will be caroling! Once when I was little (perhaps 8) I went caroling in a nursing home with a brownie troup. I remember it gave me a beautiful feeling. I felt like we-and I-made some sad people happy. I think it was my first act of community service. I really like that custom. I liked listening to Come they told me parapapumpum... on record. It was hard to be in Peru, the one Christmas I was there (was I perhaps 20 or 21?) because I missed the customs. And yet, now I always notice the panetone in the grocery store around the holidays, in a way I never had before. It makes me wonder if there is a way to consolidate all the good that ever came out of any experience? There might be. Good grief. If my younger self could see me now. Well, it does. And I guess that somehow I found myself in limbo. I was once young and adventurous. Now I have to read more of those books on prosperity and abundance. I looked up a poem I used to read in college. It is a carol. The Corpus Christi Carol.

Practicality Expanded/Encapsulated By Idealism

Fill out job applications and apply to jobs. Apply for student loan deferment. Be wiser and more educated about finances. Be happy about the more enjoyable work you've done so far (most recently: researched grants-will continue to do more of that!-for friend's community garden project, helped a friend paint his living room, participation in Nanowrimo and other writing activities with people). Educate self more about feminism, women's health, and ways to heal trauma issues as they are expressed by a variety of kinds of individuals. Make room for more fun activities in life like learning about knitting and other needle crafts, swimming, painting, massage, music, maybe learn to play an instrument like flute or guitar. Make health more of a priority (skin, hair, better diet, exercise, maybe some form of mental/emotional therapy). Practice more wise exposure to what puts you in positive/optimistic frame of mind, and to decrease stress, worries, or depression, remember to indulge more in love of nature, and to notice and get better at practicing all forms of love.)

Books can be tools for navigation

I think that when I was a kid, reading a book like The Tombs of Atuan was pretty disturbing to me. But now I really think that this book could be used by many people, especially girls and women, as good tool for healing.
Tree By Leaf was another one that I appreciated for that purpose.

O, random change of mood and attitude

Thought processes: "I had a strange dream last night that one of my friends went sky-diving and then I went after her and our other friend was laughing..." Later: "How nice of you to successfully work through some of those stickier, soul-trying moments..." Later: "How much easier is it to just be chilled out and laid back, about, like, everything? O, can you have taken so long to occur? Are you permanent?" Sometimes I feel that it can be a great challenge to feel content or relaxed in this area. Even if something bad happened to you in another part of the country, all you'd need to do would be to move here. Then the memory of all the rotten parts of the bad moment will become that much more finely honed. Sometimes I am cynical about this supposed center of power. But it could pass. I suppose there is some reason I keep ending up in this part of the world. (And, floating around in there somewhere, imagine where one could apply the following statement: "You are too intelligent to engage in that kind of behavior.")

Practical Accomplishments

Knitting, working on resume again, job searching, eating an apple.

Tree!!!

And falling leaves...

Of Towers & Textiles...

Fortunately, I was educated by experts on the textile part, but alas, they are camera-shy (at least for internet purposes) or I'd have some more exciting tower pictures to post...

New thing

Visual

For some lighter-hearted musical car driving...

But, there's beautiful things that spring from these rows
With their musical names, and musical sounds
--Memories
Telescope Eyes
I Wasn't Prepared
Golly Sandra
Marvelous Things
Brightly Wound
Lost At Sea
My Lovely
Just Like We Do
And oh my love
We can live on the sun
and wouldn't we be attractive
Riding in our shiny motor cars
With eyeglasses full of stars
and plenty of paper for scenery paintings
'Cause we found all the dire dreams
of men and machines and
Turned them all around to
Enjoy them and benefit ourselves
Our paperback books, our charming looks
Our identical hands
Composing our commands
--Plenty of Paper
One Day I Slowly Floated Away
Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day, with you hallelujah
We found a wood and then we unfound a wood
And then we cried, "Oh No"
And, please tell me will we ever find it again?
In the depths of Trolly Wood
Do trollies still drive?
Gone for the day to the Trolly Wood
I've gone for the day to the Trolly Wood
I've gone for the day to the Trolly Wood
The Trolly Wood is taking me away
Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day with you hallelujah
--Trolleywood

Current Project

Friends are teaching me how to knit!

Today's voting experience

I just voted at a local elementary school. I decided to look it up online and found out it has a blog with library book wishlist. Hmmm. Maybe one day, in the not-too-distant future, some schools will actually have things like art classes in them again! (I just thought of that because a friend of mine who is working the polls today is also studying to become an art teacher, and because I heard that the public schools around my grandparents' house no longer offer art classes.) As I was waiting in line, I stood behind a girl reading a book called Tehanu and a guy reading a Spanish/English short stories text. It took less than an hour to wait. Just before I voted, I saw a friend (E, I think?) on his way out. "They've got the paper ballots working in there." "Hey, did you see Univision?" "Yeah, I talked to the lady inside. I think she thought I was hitting on her. I was just looking for a job!" Ha-ha.
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Other brushes with election-related television fame: my aunt, who lives in Wasilla, was on the news because (she says) Sarah Palin CUT in line in front of her to vote, and my friend's boyfriend was shown on Jordanian TV playing guitar and singing with a McCain supporter polls worker.

Written from a nice, relaxed state of mind

Which I did not necessarily possess all day long. Illustration: At one point, as I was crossing a street, I heard a quiet, sinister sounding laugh. I tried to see where it had come from and turned to look at a large image of Jesus on the side of a van. (What's the matter with that juxtapostion?) Later, I resorted to utilizing a little tune about loving yourself, which I heard the other day. I think it helped. At first it did not, but I made myself listen to it in my head. Maybe I was even singing it aloud, who knows. I did this even though a big part of my mind could have found it to be very silly or narcissistic. If you are really really down at the bottom of a pit for some reason, it might help. It went, in part, I love myself/I love myself/I I I/me me me. I got it from a phone number which a friend and I called when we were looking through a book called Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper. ***insert musical notes***
Also, I found out the other day that playing with the kinds of toys that kids use in kindergarten class can be beautifully stress-relieving and FUN.
The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, a book which my friend spontaneously gave to me, has actually been very interesting. Even though some of what I read in it can trigger stress responses, it has been helpful in negotiating a sense of how to be in the world.

Quiet a mind

when were you a brave man or woman
when were you a wise woman or man
and when were you
most apt to be walking
in the footsteps
you most wanted to walk in?
1)stress
2)dis-ease
3)physical ailments
4)mental/emotional ailments
5)clutter of things or thoughts
6)screaming and pounding a steering wheel
7)lay back on a bed
8)problems don't do anything
9)quiet a mind

Musical weirdness

I imagined a pyramid of blocks in my head when I was listening to "Kid A" a while back. I cannot find that CD anywhere now. So I listened to another one, and a song on "Amnesiac" kind of grabbed me. Ideas I might have had (or half-had?) while listening to it included: A Thomas a Becket-type fellow having a pious moment of Marian devotion in a cathedral, a young Thoreau-ish type preparing to go out for a long and exhilarating iceskate, an image of greyness and water, and remembering some Thoreau quotes and also learning about the river of Lethe, when I read Reincarnation: The Phoenix Fire Mystery when I was much younger. Also have cultivated a desire to go to Iceland, including some hot steam baths I have seen/heard about from a distance. I just looked it up and found out that the name of it is Pyramid Song.

Nice evening...

Went to my friend's gardening project and tried a raw tomatillo (it looked like a big green berry and tasted like a combination of a tomato and a very green apple), and raw, cold, wet peanuts (rather sweet and quite delicious!) Also the cotton pods were displaying their fluffy white cotton. I took home some lemon balm, tomatillos, and carrots. My friend recently started volunteering for the Obama campaign, and somehow I found myself accompanying her and other supporters, and also carrying a sign endorsing him, in a local parade. An interesting experience! (Later, when I came home and showed the sign to my roommate, who was watching him give a campaign speech on television, she told me this is the first time in her whole life that she is not voting Republican.) After the parade, I helped her and her husband pack some stuff up from the place they are moving from (they had been a tremendous help to me when I moved months ago) and received two plants, a scarf, a small lamp, a book called The Way of the Peaceful Warrior and a folksong CD based on "Walden." Just ate some omega 3/flaxseed penne pasta with lemon balm and salt, which was kinda spare (I was meaning to buy olive oil on a wealthier day but haven't gotten around to it) but it also tasted good to me! Am feeling pretty alright with the world...

Positive, happy

1) A few days ago, I went to my friends' early Halloween costume birthday party the other day. Twins celebrating turning 30! A premonition of the festivities came when I was on the parkway several miles away from the house, and looked up and saw fireworks in the sky.

2) Last night I got a lot of cozy feelings, like angels were around or something. Waiting for a friend in the parking lot while reading a book in my car on a rainy night (even though it was accompanying the audio series about crazy medieval legends), the down comforter I just put on my bed, and the blanket I put over the window drapes to block out the cold and keep in the heat, made my life and the room feel more cozy.

Should we read this book?

I asked, after I forwarded the Ursula K. Le Guin review to some people. I remember reading The Tombs of Atuan when I was little. My mother's boyfriend had the trilogy. Or else it was at my grandmother's house. Anyway, reading that review made me feel more into reading the book(s).
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The other night, one of my friends, who likes science and sci-fi, was telling me about Akbar (was it before or after a history lesson by a waitress which included an account of coke bottles being pushed into people--she used me as an example, just for the full effect, I guess!) In spite of this stark interruption, I was still trying to describe a church cake walk, "it's kind of like musical chairs." The reason I got on the topic of cakewalks was because of remembering an argument about my grandmother not wanting to leave the picnic and then of course all the cakes that were won got brought home, and the frustrated relative feels hugely oppressed. "Take some back to your father! He'll love chocolate cake." I was thinking about family history, traits and personalities after listening to some old medieval tales. Those Northern peoples developed some strong-willed ways of behaving!
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Recently, as I was listening to a lecture series, I became somewhat captivated by one on Njal's Saga. The female character discussed in the lecture embodies some violent qualities. If her husband slaps her; she kills him. This happens again and again. Finally she marries a guy who is a great warrior but is not as tough as the others. However, as I understand it, she does arrange the usual punishment for him, but he kind of "takes the hit" or accepts it. He's sort of Jesus-y, maybe. And she's the "evil temptress." Well, it is not exactly feminist, but there was some kind of good message in the story about ending the cycle of violence by ceasing retaliation. This intrigued me; I might have to re-listen to the lecture. Or actually find a copy of it to read. (Arrrgh. So many books in the world!)

One side of my personality

Now, this morning began with a very disturbing dream. It included witnessing a young woman get repeatedly run over by cars (everything but her head), an old woman telling me she pocketed her vagina (definitely weird, and I told her so, and she gave me a creepy little smile and agreed) but then the dream was kind of positive at the end, as another young woman told me that she was going back to school and admired something about me. The other night I went with my friend to a diner and the waitress, who was from British Guyana, told us a bunch of stories about violent things that had occurred in her country, some of which offended him, as they were somewhat laced with stereotypes. "Does she assume I'm going to agree with everything she says just because we're both Indian?" he said later. Last night that diner was closed. I feel like not totally always writing in complete sentences now. At Denny's, a fudge icecream drink concoction is being promoted by the singer who sings that song, you know, it's that fake-bisexuality-to-please-hetero-guys formula who is auctioning off a plaster cast of her breasts for breast cancer awareness, is that beautifulshallowtallentedsmartwelldevelopedattractive????? A somewhat disagreeable discussion about "bimbo" behavior. My friend saw it more as an exploiting/taking advantage of your looks type of thing, but I said that in my opinion it can also be used as a shield/survival technique. I tried a version of it out in the mirror this morning, as a kind of a joke. My eyes got very big. I was actually kind of impressed with the effect.

What I hope to see

in the future might be partially found in a short list which forming is just off the top of my head: light, light-heartedness, any effective techniques which can dissolve or cure illnesses & anxiety attacks, islands, clouds, sunlight.

Sometimes I like coffee but I can drink too much

Tonight my coffee hangover needs a diner atmosphere and a book to soothe it. Sometimes school beckons to me again. But in the past, that was something that was slapping me around way too much.
Der Holle Rache
Sleep Now In the Fire
Geez, guys. DRAMA.
Question: So, self, what do I think that can I do now?
Answer: Supplement your knowledge by seeking out other methods of learning, and compile an encyclopedia of cures! I'm sure that could sound unexciting to some. However, one person's boredom could be another person's relief from the pit of vipers.

Those "after-the-fact" thoughts

Today, some oil change guys lectured me (maybe rightly) about not changing my oil soon enough. Worked into the lecture were some comments about women not taking good care of their cars and do I have a boyfriend who ever checks mine? Afterwards I thought, I should have mentioned I have never gone out with anyone who had any interest in fixing cars. One of them couldn't even drive. Alternately, maybe I could have told them I have a genius lesbian lover who is also an auto mechanic.

Musing on ancestry prompts a bout of traveling

Last night I made a spur of the moment decision to make a road trip. I drank coffee, and fed my head with lectures-on-CD about Whitman and Vikings and Symphonies and it was good. But I felt kind of stuffed with art, as if I'd just been wrestled to the floor of some art gallery by my own consent and now a part of me was protesting that ManRayissoooosexist! (That was one weird thought I had. Another was that I had a small pyramid of building blocks neatly stacked in my head and all I needed to experience fulfillment in life was to maintain an awareness of them.) I had to intersperse listening to lectures with music. A program by Red Priest called "Pirates of Baroque." Some song on Ipower 92.1 with the lyrics "you choose you choose" which was, I think, #5 in a list at around 9:45 pm last night. No, that is not enough information. Rolled in around 2 am, the time of the building blocks thought, listening to songs from Radiohead's "Kid A" and feeling sort of mathematical and "detached." My sister , who maintains a unique sleeping schedule which corresponds roughly to European time, was up. This morning, after reading an e-mail from someone born and raised in California, she had a question on translation: "How do you say shut your pie hole?" "Well, I think cerrar is to close, but people say 'cayate' when they mean shut up...maybe you could say 'hueco de pastel?'" She said "I wonder how that would go over in Spanish Harlem. By the way, some of our ancestors were Huguenots who went to the Netherlands and lived in Harlem, way back when. And some owned land on Staten Island. Too bad we didn't hang on to that." I said, "Maybe some other greedy relative got it!"

Kvenland

After it being brow-beaten into me from childhood on one side of the family that I am GermanGermanGerman (rumors of French ancestry offended certain relatives, even though it involved interesting stories about people fleeing religious persecution) I am now being informed via e-mail by my sister that on the other side of the family, through our grandfather she traced folks from Rappahanock, Virginia in the 1600s, whose ancestors were from Wales (including one "Sir William the Extravagant"), possibly a saint(?) who was friends with William the Conquerer(?) and a woman named Isabel De Clare who was a descendant of Charlemange. And even further back, in the "dark ages," there is royalty from Kvenland! I looked at that site and the first thing I said to myself was "Holy ****, runes." Pagan, pagan, pagan. Maybe I won't get rid of those old Led Zeppelin CDs afterall...

3 things I want

Right off the top of my head!
1) Go horseback riding (and like it)
2) Visit those Greek islands that are always on calendars
3) Visit the little town in California where Sagewoman is published.

Unfolding

"La nueva chamba" has not technically appeared. Yet. And after the prospect of a good one disappeared recently, I thought, "Wow, every time this happens it's like I have a little less motivation to appear 'respectable,' whatever that means." I tried to feel like maybe it was a "freeing" thought. Am a bit rattled when I hear people say words like "hiring freeze" and also distressed by the fact that my foot is still playing painful tricks with me and now I have to pay for my parking. Last night, though, I talked about writing with a friend at a cheap diner (with atmosphere!) and it felt artsy and fun to go out to eat and drink coffee and talk about ideas in books, etc. But maybe using all of today to read up on the topic was overkill, because I ended up feeling fairly low. Going to meditation class in the evening seemed to make me feel a lot more centered. In this life, some people can seemingly quite easily play the role of one of those classic successful artistic people with lots of behavioral quirks and issues which are apparently endearing or marketable to others somehow, but alas, my "direction in life" (which I hope is ever unfolding) seems to not really "go" that way, and probably for good reason, too. I think I should just become one of those people who is much more focused on things like healthy eating and yoga and meditation... (Q: Why do you keep forgetting this? Remember!)

Where a pretty cover was found....

I'm really liking A Country Year and if I ever own it, I hope it will be the one with this cover...I think that is kind of an interesting site in its own right...

"Take as directed"

So, now the bottoms of my feet are all taped up and padded and they are supposed to remain that way for several days. I went to work, left to go to the doctor, received this taping treatment, filled the prescription, and then went back to work again. Hmmm. Think of dancers' feet. A reward is to walk slowly by the furniture store emanating vibes of solitude at the end of the night, feeling strangely moved by the traces of some soft rock tune floating down the deserted hallway. The friendly medical student who did the taping told me he had recently patronized my work place. I was actually complimented on my choice of Naturalizer shoes. Nonetheless, it still feels like I'm someone who is wobbling home on little posts of wrappings when I walk through the door. And oh, for some reason the roommate still has just not been able to move the bags of stuff out of the hallway that have been there for, like, FOUR DAYS. Day after tomorrow is definitely going to be a great foot-resting day. Maybe at some point I will be motivated to go back out to the car tonight to retrieve the sheet of physical therapy exercises for the morning. Forgot to ask if ibuprofen works okay with methylprednisolone. Well, WASP work ethic ancestors, now my feet feel a kinship with you.

That was amusing; this is serious

In the course of the work week (with a weekend squashed into it), I managed to read and feel amused by Hef, Unabridged by Carolyn See. I think that when I read it, it was also the day that a guy was telling me about how he and his girlfriend were on the outs and what a man really wants a woman to make him feel like. He also did a lot of silent standing around. After he left, the part of me that perceived him as a lonely human being felt kind of bad that I couldn't act more fascinated by the information that he was providing. However, the part of me that was amused by numerous lines in the review such as "He gave countless interviews to anyone who would ask; he opined and opined and opined," "in the '50s the magazine ran an earnest article about the moral virtue of the missionary position; it reminded women, the piece said, that men should always be on top," "Hefner is in his 80s now...(...and with the aid of Viagra) still refers to himself as a 'babe magnet'" and "It would be better for everyone to stick to the magazine" was not quashed!
ON A SERIOUS NOTE: my feet, especially the right one, need some kind of an energy healing, or else I will be limping my way through a long day tomorrow. Okay, think positive. Positive happy feet, positive happy foot. Tomorrow is a positive, happy day. Yay, happy feet!!!!

Have just been listening to...

A book with an absolutely terrifying job description!
A Country Year by Sue Hubbell.
Indigo Bunting Ghetto.

Who can say what the railroads have brought us?

Earlier, there was the at-home-entertainment sound of stomping and loud music. Now some guy is ki-yi-yi-yipping across the parking lot.
So now, I say hello again, to some character of the mind.
To the one who must always revert to locking the doors.
(Top lock, middle lock, bottom lock.)
Ache of the jaw, I have no insurance, please do not bother me.
(What disease killed the brother of Thoreau?)
There was the dream a friend had, she called me at work years ago.
She said "an old boyfriend of yours had an accident with a bus."
That was a situation already set in a book, before she made the phone call.
This was discovered as a result of a similar situation being reworked into another tome. Mmmmm hmmmm.
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.
Why must you tell such stories?

when I should be sleeping...

I'm practicing piecing together fragments of a language! A veces, cuando estoy en el lugar de la chamba, (o despues, o antes,) puedo perderme demasiado en pensamientos que son muy oscuros, como no puedo replicar ahora. Tengo que encontrar mas amistad y espiritualidad. Y tengo ganas de obtener nueva chamba! Pero a veces es un poquito facil de olvidar las metas, porque la cosa es que cada ratito, todo puede cambiar. Casi no puedo creer en eso, solomente puedo sentirlo. En ese momento, admiro mucho la gente quien viven vidas de reposo. Cada ratito, soy differente. Ahora tengo ocho anos. Ahora, siento como soy otra persona de otro sexo. Ahora tengo cuatro anos. Hierba es mi pariente. Lo que sea, se me olvido. Vivo en ese momento otra vez y muy pragmatica soy. Chao, luz, alo sueno, lo siento cuerpo, ayudame, y dame energia manana porfavor.

"Feminism is for everybody"

Isn't it nice to know? Feminism is for everybody. Even for kids! My food metaphors for today are: Faux lip-service feminism is kinda like the snack of stale graham crackers served (again) at an overly boy-centric poor excuse of a daycare. Whereas healthy, empowering feminism is like warm, deliciously-scented gingerbread that everyone gets the fun of participating in the making of--mixing, rolling the dough, and cutting the cookies into decorative shapes--at a happy babysitter's house. I feel that's a cheerful thought, to combat the thought I had recently, which is that the poster messengers I met the other day would, unfortunately, be very disappointed. Sigh.

What this gives

Meditations

la cena ayer

Our food was very good and I really enjoyed the company, because, as I told her, "it's nice to be around someone in a similar financial situation with similar ideals." Dinner was pasta with pesto sauce and rolls with marinara sauce (baked into them) which had been made by the culinary class at the high school with basil and tomato from her community garden project which I like to help out with. A week old! But, a very cold fridge or maybe an act of a higher power (or the chemicals in the flour or spaghetti) preserved it nicely, and so we heated it up and ate it with some organic greens from the garden. GREENS! (Also I visited the Stribling orchard. Nice and picturesque! Except for the machine spraying chemicals about an acre away. Oh well.) Later we dipped cotton string in wax and made candles. My day off was really nice. Pero tengo que encontrar nueva chamba pronto.

Seasonal eatings/pickings

Possibilities: Stribling Orchard, Crooked Run.

Questions (somefoodwhatrelated)

Questions for calm intelligent people to ask oneself and one another: What makes you truly HAPPY/what makes me truly HAPPY? It's disturbing when a long amount of time passes without asking questions like this! When that seems like only a LUXURY, as opposed to the normal reality. If you are a character in a modern-day fairy tale, how does it feel if you are walking down the street and you see a golden ball in the window of a shop? Are you happy just to be taking it in, enjoying your life and time with yourself or whomever? Or are you eyeing it hungrily and miserably, plotting for a way to someday have that toy...What if it's not just a shiny object in a shop? What if it's a health or lifestyle-related thing...what is intelligent eating, for the season, for your body, for the budget? I remember, with some fondness, things I ate in graduate school around this time of year. Soups. Hot wine with spices in it. I wish I could go on longer road trips and revisit those places. For protein I have been consuming sunflower seeds, beans, and boiled eggs (with Goya hot sauce.) I feel like I love eating cheaply sometimes, it seems the best way, although maybe the hot sauce has too much sodium and I should really eat more greens and raw food items. Yesterday I ate some Fuji apple slices, sprinkled with the organic cinnamon I bought a long time ago, and spread with budget-friendly (but sugarfree) crunchy peanut butter. I could not even believe how much I savored them. I think I need to go visit some apple orchards again soon!

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I wonder what happened to a girl I once knew. She was from El Salvador and had graduated from her high school in LA with very high grades. Yet, she still had problems with writing essays in English. It made me kind of mad when a certain professor told her she just had to keep working harder and "if he could do it, she could do it." Maybe he meant to be inspiring but it also made her feel bad. I'd heard stories about his college days from my roommate (who admired him) and they didn't seem like my friend's stories. She shared a room with her sister and drove her to work very early every morning, and they lived with another sister and her husband, who was very controlling. There was all sorts of other trauma from her childhood and teenage years that she'd been through and witnessed. She had fun with me because I wanted to learn things. Sometimes we'd go salsa dancing, too. She'd help me pick out clothes and things to wear when I went to Peru, and she would give me all sorts of advice. When I was wretchedly depressed about people in my family being sick, she took me to the chapel and stood with me and watched me cry and was there with me. Me and her and another girl, originally from Poland, became a kind of threesome on campus. They both came with me to the island where I had grown up, and we met up with an older woman who had done things to take care of my sister and I, such as keep us at her house when our mother was on business trips. We did some kind of divination thing...I don't remember if it was "angel cards" or what...but her sister had come with us and when she translated the messages to her sister (in Spanish) they both started to cry. She had been engaged to someone back in El Salvador and then he had broken it off and she had not moved on from it and that was why they were crying. And we had a kind of drumming session in the basement, too, I think. It was good. I wonder if she ever met Jorge Ramos or graduated or did what she wanted to do. Actually, I wonder what happened to any of them!

"For all involved"

Today I was handed some informational flyers and a card which, I found out, are especially pertinent to the month of October. "Sorry I ran out of ones in Spanish, but the card has information in Spanish." The message bearers included a woman, and several little girls (hers?) who were carrying the materials, too. "We're not only working towards helping the victims, like in the past. We want to help all who are involved. Please post them in your break room" (sorry, we don't really have one) "at least for the month or even longer if you can." It will be interesting to see if that actually happens.
One of the things I read on it, on the way to carrying these things back, was: "Making up excuses for other peoples' behavior."

"Ice Harp"

"My friend tells me he has discovered a new note in nature, which he calls the Ice-Harp. Chancing to throw a handful of pebbles upon the pond where there was an air chamber under the ice, it discoursed a pleasant music to him.
Herein resides a tenth muse, and as he was the man to discover it probably the extra melody is in him." (The Journal of H.D. Thoreau, Dec. 5, 1837)

Musical interruptions

A purely instrumental version of O Mio Babbino Caro (like the one at the beginning of A Room With a View) interrupted my sleep one morning and made me cry. It kept playing over and over, the same part, and I was like, I can't believe it. At any other time of the day, would that have happened? Or maybe it was just at that time, on that particular day? In different times and in different places, we are different people. "Well, it's a very moving piece of music," a friend said when I told her. This version is not like that one at all. It reminds me of a time in Seattle when I saw a master class, which was GREAT (and I hope I get to do it again sometime). Also, I have liked listening to the Luray Caverns organ version of the Moonlight Sonata (I think?) in my car, sometimes. This version is nothing like it!