Sometimes I used to wake up feeling like I was getting information about bad things happening in the world, and it was my empath self picking up on stuff. Information about what's going on in the world that needs to get fixed or get better found its way to a medium that was listening. But that's not a pleasant way to wake up so I wanted to stop letting that happen so much.
It's gotten better but maybe that stuff hasn't entirely gone away.
This morning, when my body wasn't feeling so well, I picked up a book:
Spirit Run by Noe Alvarez - "The Arrival" chapter
In this part, when he started his first run, the group didn't treat him so great. In fact, the way he was treated kind of sounds like hazing. But perhaps it was honest. They didn't take to new people right away. They didn't really want to help him too much. Well, one can also contrast their behavior to when people are aggressively friendly and expecting you to have a good time in a group with them and there's so much pressure to conform that in a way, it also feels like a form of hazing.
I had a dream in the morning that a mom was smiling at me and she said she wanted me to see how soft a baby toy was but she seemed very mocking about it, so I could not smile at her. So I just gave her a look that meant "I know you are being mean about this" and then joined some other people who seemed like they wanted me to go with them and we rode a Merry-Go-Round, past the mom with her soft baby toy who alienated me with her mocking look. Even though her mouth said I was welcome, I didn't feel I was.
When I got separated from the Merry-Go-Round people, I was alone. I was confused. I was disoriented. It was not unlike an experience I had in real life when I got off a plane that had to make an emergency landing in Memphis. The staff of the airport was trying to run me out, saying the airport was closing. I always thought people could sleep in airports, but it seemed like they wanted to kick us all out. But unlike that time, instead chasing down a bunch of strangers and letting them pay for my taxi to a hotel, I just had to let go of the dream and agree to wake up in my own bed.
Okay, it's time to let go of that dream world now. You don't know any of those people. It just felt like you did in the dream. You're not with them anymore. Now you're going back to your reality. Surrounded by yarn and books.
And I was thinking about getting into that mentality where you exercise everyday and it's not about how you look. It's more about how it gives you a better feeling inside of happiness. Because I've been exercising for half the year (not everyday but several times a week) and it hasn't made one bit of difference in weight or clothing size or appearance, but it has made a difference in how I feel nevertheless.
However, if I was a decade or so younger, I think I would have lost some weight by now. But nope, the weight has stayed there. Steady as she goes. It's like a trauma gain. Maybe it's grounding.
Do people who have been through traumas tend to want to reap some gains from those traumas? I think so.
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