I just listened to something, and I thought (or probably just felt) "Wow. For some reason this makes me feel uncomfortable." And then I jumped in the shower and different kinds of feelings and ideas started coming up. I thought (or felt) "You know, it's not so much that it's too uncomfortable, it's just that there's layers of things coming up, and sometimes when layers of things are coming up, you have to take time to process them and put the experience into words and separate out the layers, and I kind of wish they still had that Jello dessert that makes three layers." The mind likes threes. I don't stutter as an adult, but when I was younger I used to stutter, and it was because I had so many ideas or feelings coming up that my mouth and my brain couldn't keep up with it.
I started to think about times when I was in situations that were creatively interesting, but also a bit transgressive and perhaps not altogether advantageous for me and perhaps they were partially a result of other people's fantasies, and I didn't really feel empowered. When that happened, I sort of felt like the society we are experiencing was going to give those people the power and not me, even though I was apparently the trigger or something about me appeared to trigger a behavior pattern in them. But what was going on really? The trigger was not so much myself, but it just like some kind of energy that was coming down through me from the universe, and it was having an effect on them.
And then another sad thing was that some trusted people did not want to believe those strange situations happened to me. Because it didn't happen to them, and it was difficult for them to comprehend that I was going through something different, and it was not really what they were comfortable thinking about very deeply, or it was too much for them to really want to believe it happened, and so that made me feel very isolated.
And these paragraphs are not like how I experienced my memories in the shower. I had some memories and then I laid down and I thought, well, should I should I mention it...and now it's coming out in a different way than it did originally in the shower.
Oh, but one thing I do remember that was kind of interesting was, after I had these vivid memories, quickly, in succession, of different kinds of situations that happened to me, I thought to myself some people need safe words for a lot of different kinds of experiences.
You hear about people talking about safe words when they're behaving in transgressive ways on purpose and then if they want to stop, then there's a safe word. But sometimes people go through intense things inside of themselves and they need some way to tell another person, I need to take a moment to myself to process this. Even if they're not doing something that looks like it's that transgressive on the outside, the way it could be experienced internally might be...intense? I don't even know if I want to say the word "transgressive" because it seems limiting to say that word.
I think what happens is people forget a lot of things about themselves, and they repress things. And it's because they're having a life in a physical body on the physical Earth plane and Society is also putting rules on them and whatever kind of family structures they inherited put certain rules on them and so they end up repressing parts of themselves. And then, you begin to realize that the things that got repressed are different for everybody. But when people want to live fuller lives, they want to figure out what they've repressed so they can go beyond that and be able to live more freely and joyfully and spontaneously. But then again sometimes they need guardrails in order to feel safe enough to do that.
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