I tried out group meditation for the first time in many years and it was more painful and stressful than I expected. There were lots of very specific instructions and the guy in charge wore robes and regalia.
It made me miss the lighter touch of women who led meditation sessions when I was younger. One was from a town in northern Michigan (where was it? Maybe Cheboygan) at school in Binghamton. In Virginia, there was a pregnant woman I really liked who led donation-based meditation sessions at a yoga studio.
Anyways, it was just a reminder that I don't relax so well around controlling men. Even if they have good intentions. My body really tenses up. But there was another woman there who's been there several times. She seemed relaxed enough. So it's clearly not everybody's problem. It's my issue, I guess.
It was by far the most regimented meditation class I've been to. So maybe I just haven't been to a lot of traditional ones.
When I switched from sitting on cushions to sitting on a chair (I had back pain) after a break from sitting and a walking meditation I was instructed to put the chair over the cushions, which were next to the instructor. So we didn't have the cushions in between us, which is what I would have liked.
I felt like I was being made to sit next to the instructor so I could be assessed.
It was tense. I had not some very not harmonious thoughts, especially as the tension in my back intensified and crept upward.
Oh and then I was going to relax in the chair and immediately the instruction was try to sit forward, sit up straight. This wasn't helping my back muscle tension at all! And since he wasn't interested, I didn't feel like saying I can't because of the back muscle tension. I just did it and then relaxed when everybody's eyes were closed. But it wasn't a great relaxing time. My back still hurt.
At the end of it, we were invited to speak. I was able to mention the back muscle tension and then then somehow his focus went to stories about monks doing things like cutting off their arms and immolating themselves and I prayed menstrual cramps wouldn't start happening. I felt so far away from my water bottle. And my ibuprofen.
But I knew it's not like he expected us to be like those monks or anything. It's just that's where his mind went and I didn't necessarily need my mind to go there with him.
He did seem to know it went a little off track and said, "You'll have to forgive me."
So I was tense, and afterwards I decided, look, I've been pretty good with my eating today. I ate very minimally. I was thinking about Ayurveda. But I'm tense now after my meditation session, so maybe I'll get an ice cream.
And I was going to get the Superman ice cream. Cuz I was thinking about the meditation instructor from Michigan, and that's a Michigan ice cream.
But I knew I didn't want to run into the robed and well-intentioned if he wanted an ice cream, too, so I made sure to walk around the block first. After dialoguing with myself a little more, I decided, sure. Why not just get a small cup of Superman ice cream. I was about to walk into the shop that sold it when I saw the robes. I turned around and went into a different ice cream shop.
And that's where I got this!
I was my own sugar daddy tonight.
A Saranac Shirley Temple ice cream soda. I asked them to substitute Rose honeysuckle ice cream for vanilla. I don't think many men are ordering that, huh? Not that there would be anything wrong with it if they did.
Anyways, it was good for a little while and then it got very sweet. I did finish up all the ice cream but I poured out the rest of the Shirley Temple soda because that much sugar is not necessarily my friend.
But I get to relax at home with my beans and cactus and toasted tortilla now.
The more relaxed meditation instructor could have been from Cheboygan.
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