evening meanderings

I went out. God, I am lucky to live in a place where I feel it's relatively safe to walk around at night and the neighborhoods are interesting, too. I went by the old place and saw the cat. The street was blocked off and full of emergency vehicles. I petted her in the glare of all those blinking lights. At the coffee shop, I zoned out and stayed 15 minutes past closing time. For some reason, they did not kick me out. I went by the old place again. The cat was gone. I spoke to the one of the people she lives with, a marathon-runner. I have had an image in my head of a marathon runner. Either very thin, or fit in a stocky way (like my father) but she's female  and shorter and has wider hips and I wouldn't be surprised if we wore almost the same size. I'd think if I trained for a marathon I'd lose more weight, but I guess I don't really know. Her roommate who doesn't run marathons is thinner, actually. What is the secret of genetics? What makes some people want to run marathons and others not want to? Maybe I'd be interested in a yoga/meditation marathon. Also I was thinking about something else. Hollywood is run by men, and it is high schoolish in that it seems to mostly like women to be "hot in a certain way" and also "kind of submissive." (This is changing, a bit.) Well. It's not that I've never experienced a kind of appreciation of submissiveness in love. "I am so happy because you are happy! You're happiness is my happiness!" But then, it's as if the universe put a soldier inside of me and the soldier always gets out. The soldier got called "that feminist chick" at a conservative high school. And then there's a shy person who doesn't want to attract attention and that person took over for quite a while and the soldier is somewhat tolerant of the shy person but after a certain point...the soldier says "enough is enough." If I think about it, I'm not surprised that when I went searching for a lost relative I found a dominatrix. But...the problem with the soldier is that...the soldier is not enough for my creative side. My creative side says it's important to be more nurturing and open, and it is interested in motherly femininity. That is something that is not so easy for the soldier to figure out.