It's super obvious to me that I just don't want to feel that "successful" right now. I would prefer to just focus on my own healing. I have this sensitive orientation, and I know some people are able to be sensitive and also put out works of art but I don't think that's me. I don't even think I want that to be me. I don't know. I guess I just have this really strong feeling that I'm supposed to put health and healing first. And I don't have an easy time doing it. That's why it's so important to do it.
There are people who make art that I really admire, but then I find out that they're still having a difficult time in life and I'm not, I'm promise,I'm not trying to be judgmental. Because they have their path for a reason. It's just that I just really don't want to do that. I really do want to put health and healing first. If I have the opportunity to put health and healing first then I'm really lucky.
I sort of feel like being able to put health and healing first is kind of like a version of some kind of self-care and feminism that I'm supposed to get better at while I'm here on Earth. So being a more successful artistic type but then suffering a lot would not be accomplishing that goal for me. It's too bad if I have to sacrifice some things because I'm still learning how to get better but it is what it is. I'm not going to critique that phrase too much either.
This could be a really great opportunity. Other people don't have this opportunity to be able to focus on healing as much. I have to make the most of this opportunity. And some of this experience made me want to rail against the healthcare system or against society because people in certain bodies don't do well with the way the system's set up. But I kind of want to let it go. Yes, I kind of want to let it go.
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