Hooray for what exists now, that didn't in my youth...

Like this:


Tig

SPINSTER

I am reading a book called Spinster.

I was so excited by the title!

I had to check it out immediately.

I am enjoying it. The author is very different from me, but that's refreshing.

I'm a little surprised at the hostility of some of the reviews of this book.

But also...I realized I had a thought. The thought was this: if I posted my current reading choice on a social media network, perhaps the women who've changed their names would not react warmly to it.

I dunno, I kind of wonder why I thought that?

It's a feeling.

Review
Review
Review
Review
Review
Review

The net giveth cards and more

1) Hanafuda knowledge
http://duarcain.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-twelve-suits-of-hanafuda.html

2) Deciphering the "In A Big Country" music video
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_a_Big_Country

3) Book review with major spoiler (it happens)
http://www.westword.com/arts/amy-butcher-on-suicide-psychosis-and-her-memoir-visiting-hours-6926588

The game has been found

Nearly three decades after my afternoons at the day care center... http://hanafudahawaii.com/ginstructions.html I thought I remembered round circles and moons and black white and red and bending over grasses and birds like cranes ??? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanafuda Wonder if we might've called it Sakura...

you you you

it sticks



Stephen Fry ~ You, You, You

Some what ifs...

http://www.melanieholmesauthor.com/what-if/

A mom's thoughts

from pinterest

From Melanie Holmes: 

"'I thought, if I can’t have children, there’s no reason to live.' I read that quote years ago and immediately thought of my own daughter (a pre-teen at the time). As I reflect on the emotions of a woman unable to have children, I’m compelled to try to understand how to ameliorate those feelings."

~~~~

 "In an attempt to protect the inner self/future self of my own teenage daughter, I’ve interviewed/polled 200 women across the U.S.—those with and without children, ages 18 to 66, a wide range of ethnicities and income levels. While motherhood is a meaningful life choice for many women, not every woman wants it or will be able to achieve it."

 ~~~~

"Telling a woman she’s selfish if she opts out of motherhood or that she’ll miss out on the truest form of love is a grievous injustice to those who don’t want it or can’t achieve it (through circumstance or biology). As visionaries for young women, parents can help their daughters keep open minds about their futures by refraining from making assumptions and setting up expectations that may go unmet later in their lives."

~http://werenothavingababy.com/childfree/abundance-assumptions-females-lives/

balloon art

https://eternallybliss.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/following_your_dreams_by_lost_in_happiness.jpg

On second thought

Do not tell either GIRLS or BOYS that their worth and value is linked to their ability to procreate...DO NOT do that.

"But please know this: childlessness isn’t just a ‘female’ thing. Infertility cuts a man up too. In more ways than you may know."

~ http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2015/03/what-i-want-you-to-know-infertility.html

Stormy

the rain is coming down...and also, the palm leaf branch...

as I get older I get very disturbed by messages that women get about their worth and value being tied to their fertility, and it's making a storm of anger and rage curdle inside of me

the flip side of which is, of course, despair
mustn't give in to despair

do not tell girls that their worth and value is inherently connected to their ability to procreate

that is poison *disguised as sweetness

do not do it

Behold

from pinterest

I don't know this movie, but...

a} I like the poster b} I like when the reviewer said: "Indeed, once you have seen what Katz can achieve with two slackers and an old car you will come to realise quite how redundant most action film direction really is. With a director as skilled as Katz, you simply do not need explosions, fast cars or Matt Damon stomping about with a fucking earpiece."

http://ruthlessculture.com/2011/04/27/cold-weather-2010-the-eyes-of-the-sensitive-observer/

But, like

I just can't watch a superhero movie at all sometimes what with the world being all it is sometimes... ~~~ horses

Sonderousness

A girl of about nine or ten had her own child-sized work desk with an overhanging light. She made jewelry chains, but gave no sales pitch. Small children were attracted to her. When no conversation was attempted, their parents pulled them along, drawn to other vendors. Children lifted petting zoo animals, and the horses with blinders walk-walk-walked in circles as laughing adults leaned over the railings and took photographs.

Maybe the fair was a bit much.

At home, I felt relief and petted the cat that likes to hang around in front. (And combed. And dangled a crochet swatch on the end of a piece of yarn attached to a pencil.)

I have read about fertility and infertility, children and tragedy, the sudden death of a child, and I was grateful for hooks and yarn and loops that turn into things. I practiced some stitches and listened to cave music.



Luray Caverns Stalacpipe Organ ~ Moonlight Sonata


I can practice more stitches today, drinking that free sample chocolate health drink that came in a packet. It tastes like a strange pudding when I make it in the blender. I can choose to like it.

A Child Fund rep. came to my door yesterday and thought a cat was mine, but this is not the case. She does look a lot like my first cat (a calico), but I think she is with other people for a reason. She came in for a little bit today when there was thunder and lightening, but I kept the screen door open and put her back out when her caretakers came back. "I didn't know it was going to rain." "Sorry." "That's okay."

There's been a drought...but today it rained...

http://blog.seattlepi.com/thebigblog/2009/06/19/1000-words-seattle-rain-happy-plants

WATER

Don't forget the drought.

http://www.thenation.com/article/welcome-to-fairmead-california-where-you-have-to-walk-a-mile-for-a-sip-of-water/

Drought by Margaret Sharpe

~~~

A little CCR

Waiting...

Let Me Explain You
H is for Hawk
That new Harper Lee book
~~~
Hmmm, these are all books by women with a father theme going on...?

Beautiful...

Madisen Ward & the Mama Bear ~ "Silent Movies"

I don't wish to cause alarm...

but I believe Lizzie is in a Bananarama video.

Don't forget Lizzie

The mini-series won't tell you how she died of grief.

http://preraphaelitesisterhood.com/elizabeth-siddal-laying-the-ghost-to-rest/

"They come to know her through her overdose, the speculations of a disappearing suicide note and her wraith-like appearance as she stared absentmindedly into a fire, rocking the ghost of her dead child. "

~http://preraphaelitesisterhood.com/elizabeth-siddal-laying-the-ghost-to-rest/

BAAAAAAA

Drank the rest of boyfriend's Angry Orchard cider BAAAAAA Omg, found my next reeeeeead!!!???

Bleat, the tragedy goat

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scapegoat_(painting)

~~~

The fan trailer did not omit all the sex

I NEEEEED TO WATCH THAT PLOTLESS ITALIAN MOVIE ABOUT GOATS AND DEATH AND REINCARNATION AGAIN!~!
It was so spiritual! What was it...

La la, found it easily...

http://ruthlessculture.com/2011/07/04/le-quattro-volte-2010-pay-no-attention-to-the-goat-behind-the-ocean/

Perspective theme

"Kids Without Parents or Family"

Between dipping into Girl at War
and reading about
tragedy
tragedy
tragedy

where does that word come from anyway

http://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/2011/10/tragedy-goat-song/

Good day

http://www.pauseandplay.co.uk/lint-rolling-cats-in-japan/

girl/woman learnings

been a daughter to a single mom
it wasn't easy
been a sister acting like a parent at a young age
not easy either
suffering
worth it
suffering
some things don't come easy
being a mom...not easy
not being a mom...not easy either
even if it's the right choice
especially if the right choice
it's not easy
it's not free

Instructions

Please be careful when watering milkweed plants. They are home to monarch butterfly caterpillars.

 (and in general...)

http://knowhen.com/

Thoughts on conceiving a life...like maybe even just your own...

man...

frippin' pelvic heaviness
chew on watercress
on ginger chunks floating in tea
that's good stuff, eh?
feeling some progress...feel the burn!

This comes, goes...

Mother Universe, Mother Nature

                  http://kids.britannica.com/

I will choose to get better...

Sort of dance-ish?

I have hopped around recently in regards to my viewpoints on kids and people with infertility issues.

One one hand, I am not my callous younger self. I am beginning to understand and empathize more with people who have infertility issues and have been driven to, at best irritation, at worst, suicidalish despair, by people who don't understand their grief and predicament. I am extremely grateful that women are speaking out about their experiences. It helps me figure out how to relate to my own situation and my own body.

On the other hand, if I say I 100% don't agree with my younger self about the "adoption" stuff...well, that's not quite true either. I was thinking about a situation I once encountered. It involved a man who lost his mother. Part of it was that I didn't know him well. He was probably in his 30s or 40s. Anyways, all he would ever talk about was about his mother. He was sooo bitter that she was gone. It was so unfair. He'd carried all her hardships as his own, and he was MAD. It got to the point where it was exhausting to hang out with him, and you really hoped he'd move on in his grieving process...

I mean, reading some things online has totally swayed me towards NEVER having even one single IVF treatment. Not that I have the money to do that anyway. But really. I guess part of me does still have some of the same opinions of my younger self. (Maybe because I've never gone through the fertility treatments experience.) I've noticed how sometimes people bond intensely with others who aren't of their same genetic make up...I mean, it's a very difficult question. I can see how it would be so much easier if you could just get pregnant like everyone else seemingly can...however...I think if I truly wanted a child that badly, and if I had the money, I would try to look at it from a soul level.

I may also be influenced by a girl I knew as a child. She was a little older than I was and she was adopted. I had a hero-worship type of thing going on with her, and I thought she was really cool.

So...I hope anyone who has plunged into the depths of despair because of infertility could also find themselves at the heights of joy... Like this woman:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/22/nia-vardalos-not-so-instant-mom/?_r=0

That's the way I feel at the moment. Feelings change all the time. Tomorrow I may have a different perspective.

Cue Engelbert Humperdink...



Quando, quando, quando

Ack...

Normal & boring can = bliss

I just looked up stuff about the Amy Winehouse documentary. No doubt it my mind it could make me weep. For now, I have great plans to enjoy myself by tidying up the apartment while listening to the radio...

A GOOD VISUAL OF FUTURE ASPIRATIONS 

From http://crochetime.net/2013/10/28/crochet-mandalas-ta-daaaah/

Meow

Cats hanging 'round your door so they can dart inside, contented after you give them a snack (or 3 ~ 1 inside, 2 outside)...boyfriends who were nice when you had pain...Birds chirping outside...Ginger tea, "Palma Christi"....Love is in the air...

Flat

I am not very happy right now.
Today I had physical pain.
Eventually I had less physical pain.
Then I had anger and sadness.
That's what happened.

Although, that store was closed when I was going to buy wine on clearance and that was good.

And there was the street fair with all kinds of interestingness. I was distracted and happy for a while.

I don't have a permanent feeling about anything.
I have to go find something else to think about now.

Goddess bless

Those blessed moments when pain is subsiding...and as it returns....breathing... Next moments coming up...and bless me, how I get tired of ... I would like ... Ever decreasing .... Restoration of balance ... Good feelings ... Om.

Music's incredible healing powers...

Old and new findings by way of boyfriend who had "Evelyn Evelyn" stuck in his head today...(NEVER MIND! I was wrong...IT WAS Have YOu sEen My Sister...)

THE OLD (b/c of my search result)

Information Society ~ What's On Your Mind

THE NEW (b/c boyfriend asked me if I'd heard of them...they used to work at Amoeba music.)

Allah Las ~ Tell Me What's On Your Mind

~~~

Also, why not, Frida...

The Growlers ~ Monotonia

Not the movie

Me to dbf: "There's this article about the Runaways that you have to read."

http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/the-lost-girls/

~~~~~

Plus, a follow-up: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/08/bystander-intervention_n_7758118.html

What I want...

I want to be the person who sees that sometimes there is joy in people adopting and contributing to society by parenting and nurturing in other ways.

BY THE WAY, WHY DO HALF OF ALL INFERTILE WOMEN HIDE THAT INFORMATION FROM THEIR MOTHERS?

"A survey on infertility done by Redbook in 2011 was also mentioned. 61% of respondents hid their infertility from family and friends. Nearly half didn’t tell their mothers. I can’t say I blame them, and, as I can say from experience, revealing yourself to strangers ain’t all that much better. Like breast cancer, infertility is a disease that effects one in eight people. Can you imagine if 61% of people with breast cancer needed to hide it from their family and friends due to a lack of compassion and understanding? And if 50% couldn’t tell their own mothers due to shame and fear of rejection? It got me wondering if there are any other diseases with a similar number of recipients that people feel the need to hide with such fervor."

 http://infertilityhonesty.com/2015/01/31/when-your-trauma-and-loss-doesnt-count-round-2-the-end/

THE JOYS OF MOTHERHOOD: SO GREAT, A DAUGHTER MUST HIDE HER SHAME. THAT IS SO FREAKIN' MESSED UP.

Biological parenthood is not the be-all end-all that many say it is. It never has been. Maybe it is for some people. But it is definitely not that way for everyone.

I also think that painting an unrealistically rosy picture of parenthood does nothing to stop things like this from happening: https://www.yahoo.com/health/title-x-the-federal-family-planning-program-is-123492140982.html 

Here's hoping the future will be better.

what to do with old kumquats

that are too sour to eat: you can chop them up and remove the seeds and put one or two small slices into an icepop mold along with pieces of pineapple, kiwi, apricot, and maraschino cherry, then cover these with white grape juice and slide them into the freezer (it's best to have one next to the maraschino cherry)

zippity mew la de dah

Late P.M.
Conversation.
B: I just don't understand why they don't pick her up.
G: Well, she doesn't like to be picked up that much.
B: If you want her to come in, just pick her up. I've picked her up. She doesn't scratch and bite you.
G: Well, I've picked her up and she's squirmed before. But she doesn't scratch and bite. That's true.

A.M.
Cat hanging around step, friendly, but not trying to run inside. A good sign? A little bit of flea combing, experimentally dipping comb in small dish of water and Dawn a few times, to see if it helps. Back is a little bit wet (oops) so try to dry it off with a shirt sleeve. And then? Cat gives a start and runs towards a sound. Is she actually excited that people who feed her and put her inside last night might be coming home?

Cue Angelic Chorus...

On swings

https://poietes.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/some-people-accumulate-more-emotional-rust-than-others-andrew-solomon-noonday-demon/empty-swings/

On The Dark Side & Dark Side Of The Sun

On weight loss and many things

This was a very interesting read. http://www.vox.com/2015/7/7/8877041/losing-100-pounds

Next life!

https://veganmisanthrope.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/california-cruisin-at-canvas-lounge-free-tickets-wasted-on-me/


Or maybe a cute doggy

Items

Get an impulse to lay on a blanket by the front porch light and read a book
Hear a door open
Get lint swept on you, but don't react
Hear a jingle sound
Small hellos as human passes
Enjoy the night
Observe cat enjoying the night
Observe human calling cat to come in a way that sounds like it'd work better with a dog (finger snapping or some such thing)
Observe cat not paying attention to that, and the sound of the door closing
Observe cat moving around the yard
Observe cat drinking water out of dish
Observe cat approaching...
Cat steps over your person
Cat saunters down the walk
Cat is off for a solo adventure, perhaps.

Rekindle your love affair with food

Summer heat is no excuse.

Frozen pops with white grape juice and sliced kiwi are to die for!!!

Ah!

 "You know my methods."

A.M.
There is no jingling sound outside. Is the cat okay? Did she go somewhere? I used a comb and a cat toy this weekend. She had tried to get inside. I placated her on the front step. I bought a flea comb. I spoke about using it, and about noticing the tufts of hair the cat had been pulled out, wondering aloud if it was from fleas or nervousness? Saw her in a window meowing over the weekend and waved but... then  I had dreams. A dream of petting a sick cat. A dream of letting that cat run in my apartment.
And then that cat was gone.
And then, other cats.
And then a party (of people.)
And then the people got sick. (Perhaps food poisoning.)
And then being alone, wrapped in nothing but a towel, wandering the streets, lost...had a key though...home could not be located on the phone...

  ~~~

Late in the A. M.
I heard the jingle! Petting and a small brushing. Inside, heard the pitiful mewing. Returned outdoors and stayed longer, picking burrs out of a blanket. Went indoors, felt more content. Opened the door to give molasses-water to plants. Cat was napping on the mat. Put out a dish of water, so the cat won't drink out of the watercress saucer.

 ~~~
P.M.
No kitty on the step. Heard the jingle inside the window, though...
Stay tuned for more thrillsome updates.

Stoopful

That thing where you sit on the stoop at dusk even though the cat won't be there and marinate in abject catlessness...

Small changes

By Alice Mason

I'm sorry to say that when I was younger, I was one of those people who was not very sympathetic towards women who were despairing because they couldn't have children. In fact, the idea was ludicrous to me. Afterall, the world is overpopulated, so why can't they just adopt? (This was my teenage mind.) By the way, you can keep your serious, troubled looks, doc, for someone who needs them...But, I have changed.

Also, as a teenager, I watched a woman burst into tears in the waiting room at the doctor's office. It was just so...uncomfortable. None of us knew her. Why was she bursting into tears? What could anyone do to help her? (I know what I imagined. I imagined she was being told she couldn't have children.)

It does seem unfair that some people have to go through this, and  that many are treated as if what they are experiencing does not count. They are treated as if it is unimportant, just something to be swept under the rug. I am sorry for the attitudes of my younger, teenage self. I was that way, because I was afraid. I believe will never be that way again. I would like to say that I have changed, and I will not squash down other people's pain for the sake of my own self-preservation. At least, not the extent that I used to.

By Alice Mason

Ever in(up?)ward...I

Hope in the Prison of Despair ~ Evelyn de Morgan

...have discovered that societal attitudes towards women in regards to marriage and childbearing can spiral me downwards into some of the strongest feelings of despair. I have come to feel as if there are some truly terrible messages about what females are worth hidden in some of the most benign, mundane occurences and interactions.

Simply put, I am shocked at how many woman (women! not just men) in society subconciously act as if your worth is lower if you've never been married and had children. If you point-blank asked many of these women, they would say, of course they don't believe that. That's what they would say. However, their smaller actions tell a different story. I am completely surprised, over and over again, and I really can't just go off and find someone to marry and have kids with to make it all better...Is it true? Women really are trained to believe that their ultimate worth is wrapped in marriage and pregnancy...even to the extent that other women who can't or don't have those social signfiers do not "count" as being fully actualized human beings? I don't know why I am so shocked, but I am?

In a way, it's as if  this feeling is due to a collection of small, subtle choices, day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year, which, when they add up, collectively scream out something completely degrading and suffocating about how woman are valued or worth anything to societal forces... Why are there such gigantic inequalities on this planet?

If women were truly respected on this planet, then those women who experience difficulties with childbearing would not be expected to disappear and not communicate their experiences...

Single mothers would not be treated with such disdain by other women...

Women would not be earning lower wages...trained to apologize for themselves, make themselves smaller...all the horrific sexual violence in real life and in the media, as forms of entertainment...

Breathe!!! Find other messages...what can be most healing...

Cooool....beeeeees

https://www.etsy.com/listing/38990555/bee-print-yellow-bumble-bee-girl-wall?ref=market

&

This impressive document!

https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/microsites/ostp/Pollinator%20Health%20Strategy%202015.pdf

Apologizing, hmmm...

This is interesting.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/5-reasons-why-some-people-will-never-apologize

So fun to make...

http://www.popsugar.com/moms/How-Make-Fresh-Fruit-Popsicles-18393455

Philosophia...

Some moms:
I never knew what true love was until I became a mother... 

Another mom:
"Enjoy other peoples' kids and get dogs. Remember, I didn't have a vacation for ten years."

http://www.curejoy.com/content/15-amazing-health-benefits-of-dandelion-herb-you-should-know/

I love...

The cover photo in this article....

https://www.yahoo.com/health/being-the-big-girl-at-the-barre-class-122879973838.html

Good lord, white wine in the a.m....

"Dad, Dad, I can't wait for you to meet my new girlfriend. She's really cool. She ultimately just wants to be a mommy. (I know that's what all women want out of life, because if they can't have kids, why bother being a woman?) And she said she wants to let me pick out how many kids we have, and of course they all get my name! I just can't wait for you to meet her! I know you and mom will just love her!"


 

 "Well, son, that sounds like a very satisfactory life partner you've chosen for yourself. I knew I raised you right!"

So much change (?)

The Cosmo of my Jr. High Days...

the Cosmo of today...

On where she sees herself in 10 years:

“Ten years from now, I will have two children, unless my husband wants three. I will be into my fitness a lot more, I will stop yo-yo dieting, and I’ll be a housewife with careers that I can run from home. I want to be able to cook for my children, bake cookies for them, and watch them grow up. I just want to be Mommy. Take them to school, go to the parent-teacher conference, help them with their homework, and put their work on the refrigerator.”

http://hiphop-n-more.com/2015/05/nicki-minaj-covers-cosmopolitan-magazine-july-2015/

Anyway, I know this wouldn't have flown back in good ol' middle school...

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/news/a41811/a-survey-shows-what-men-think-womens-pubic-hair-women-still-dgaf/?mag=cos&click=yr

Ballad of the air-conditioned grocery aisle

Fireworks about to go off...



Sixpence None The Richer ~ Breathe Your Name

Temperature

It is currently 101 degrees in Bakersfield.

http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-solomon-farm-worker-housing-20150515-story.html

Independence

Independence from misogynists (including women) is one goal to aspire to.

http://www.theguardian.com/music/2015/jul/04/feminists-fall-out-over-rihanna-video

Gross.

Hmmm

I believe this singer took down her old videos.
Embarking on a new stage of life, perhaps...

Soooo

Who cares what's in your brain...really....
That's not rhetorical..or is it???

Who
Cares

What
You

Think
About

quirky

this oldish blog...

http://housearrestgirl.com/?m=201206

shades of OITNB...

http://housearrestgirl.com/?p=935

Ah...

By Anastasia Markovich
http://ecosocialisthorizons.com/2013/03/changing-the-climate-revolution-for-social-and-environmental-justice/

heartiness

to jury duty
which I dreaded
but rather enjoyed
tho not the verdict so much...

http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2013/10/28/female-supremes-get-their-day-in-art

MEDIA

I think Quentin T. could enjoy this...

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/d5z8a6/inside-amy-schumer-fight-like-a-girl---uncensored