That flower

Ever since I was 16 (or younger), for over half of my life, I've been thinking about a person and it was always about the girl and the garden and the flower and the upperclass guy and the confusion and the suffering that was trapped in that little story. And yet, all this time, why was it so important that I had to identify the flower, and I could not do it, and when I did it was like that's it.
And I looked under Datura and someone goes (in a comment):
"Big day today....Tori played the bridge of Datura LIVE tonight. :)
-- lionessdollposse 1 day ago"
The girl I know who is working as a maid now, she does not listen to the same music, but she likes lions very much.
Maid Flower Night
That story is like a secret (that needed to be told). It is like something about the world that is disturbing. Like why there is attraction (or attractiveness?) to erotic violence. There is something to do with that.

Funny day. Like a treasure hunt

Get up in the morning and drive to school. The southern left coast is quite nice in the morning. Then go to class and be entertained by a somewhat sardonic British guy whose actually American but his father, who was in the service, "buggered off" when he was a kid so he was raised by his mother, and later, go on a treasure hunt for the books for class. One of the books is hard to find but there's this little hole-in-the-wall library, kinda shabby, you didn't know about before, it's got a tiny parking lot and is close to a psychic, and they have it! And the librarians are surprisingly friendly, and there's little kids eating popcorn and taking over the library and ducking behind the "haunted house" curtains thrown over the stacks and a dancing electronic skeleton that sings "The worms crawl in the worms crawl out..."
The book, the object of the treasure hunt, is Sin and Syntax.

You know how it can take years?

To put two and two together?
That happens sometimes.
Oh man. It just happened again.
Oh MAN
~~~~
O kay so.
First...Irene, photograph in photography textbook blah blah long time ago stuff okay.
Irene maid garden flower guy weird not good stuff weird unhealthy affair abuse flower okay. Tea is whistling now.
Okay...Part TWO: Modern day bad economy. Emails about a maid job. Make a portrait for a class and the teacher says it's very dreamlike and it's based on a photo taken in a garden and has a big purple swirl. Okay Part THREE: Muy bad day and trying to come back from the brink of awful thoughts. Seemingly connected with OLD STUFF. LIKE OLD FEELINGS. How to explain? Some other time maybe. Part 3 1/2: Next day is good, better feelings, but then find out someone committed suicide in front of an antique store like two blocks away (read about it in a story). Okay Part Whatever: Garden visits, Irene (not as maid but as a book character? to turn into musical, maybe? nevermind, no musical, um, for now...)
Part FOUR: Garden visits for years and music and strange attachment to song Datura.
Part FOUR point FIVE: The last 24 to 48 hours have been filled with fits exhaustion and needing to dive into a room and turn off all the lights and be really quiet.
Part FIVE: Drift Away from that story about the guy who killed himself and look at a story about local flowers. A flower that is here. She (the maid) went out to the garden at night and was entranced by a flower. Then the aristocrat guy came and the disastrous stuff...
A flower at night...a flower at night...equals....
The Moonflowers Bloom At Night
Also called "Devil's weed."
It was DATURA.
Oh you wonder why it takes so long. So many years.

This

Crystal Bowl Healing

Whoa awesomeness

I just remembered some books I read, probably at a daycare center, when I was a little kid. It just kinda came back to me. Wow, have I even thought of those in decades?
Rather a good way to come down from a long brutal panic attack...
Seem to recognize many from a google search of book images and such:
Sixteen and Away From Home
Eighteen and On Her Own
Nineteen and Wedding Bells Ahead
Stories From the Growing Years
Treasures From Grandma's Attic
At Home In North Branch

Selections

Library books with titles and contents that are more fun than having a crazy morning after waking up from dreams about drifting around in a foreign country trying to find a safe place to sleep...
(But, maybe not more fun than going crazy?)
(If it's in a FUN way?)
Anyway
1) Eat My Words
2) Stronger Than Dirt

How nice it would be

To work at something I truly enjoy that seems to help people
To pay all bills efficiently
To learn more about nature and plants
Wouldn't it be nice? YES!

Zzzing

Phone buzzing in the morning. Obligated to get up to check it. Did someone call about a job?
No!
"I heard on the radio today that Evenflow by Pearl Jam was recorded 20 years ago...ugh. We are officially old!"
That's a nice way to wake up. (After another dream about the tidal wave coming...) Officially old? Not really though. It's Fake Old! When you get older, you'll talk about how young you feel! (Hopefully?)
When you get old hopefully you won't care so much about being old.
Cry Me A River was playing a lot when we were still young and it's not 20 years old. It's not even a decade old!
But damn, there was a lot of money back then.
Just like it seems in the video.

Sometimes wish

That it was spelled
SOEMTIMES
and to see weird spellings all the time like in the old texts
and that weird stuff happened more
like when the Virgin of Guadalupe Channel would come blasting on in the middle of the night
and then we figured out it was the weird coincidence of the TV coming on by itself and the antenna tuned into that channel
and um...
then it wouldn't do that anymore and then I got a Virgin of Guadalupe calendar
I made an altar to her once when I really needed someone to live
and they did
and sent a calendar later with her on it
just by coincidence
she looks on me all the time now even if I don't notice her at every moment

Although

Although there is an acerbic comment about Target beneath this video
Do It Again
the funny thing is that I can't get a job at Target! Even when they're hiring!
Hilarious.
Although I can't get a job at Target, this cranberry apple rosemary sauce is delicious
and can be made with honey... Although Honey and others would be nice to hearslashsee
(Daisy Dead Petals!)
I can say who cares, who wants to support a plastic surgery habit and wine cellar when there's way more important stuff anyways
but Waitress gets the replay button a lot and some of it's probably just because of the money...
And I like stretching a can of tuna, I really do...Tuna Melts, yum! And, I want to learn to sew my own clothes!

To read!

Juniper
kinda hard to find in the local library...
setting a goal!

In a life

There was book that described guardians who talk to you after you die and they explain what you need to go back and do again, because you didn't accomplish it this time. Is there a point to being someone who thinks she kinda, like, inherited memories from the ROTC guy who got shot down by the National Guard? Or to being the offspring of someone who goes to the party of the retired classmate who is now the head of the intelligence agency of a country? Or to being the unmedicated one? So what, why do those things matter? Flowers seem to matter...and they seem more interesting when they are growing in the earth...
Journey of Souls was that book.

shapes

are in plants
and this book:
Botany in a Day
The author has an interesting story...

Hearts

Plants, flowers, trees!!!!

Le FB share

is fun. So it seems a friend was just on Kojo Nnamdi to talk about protests.

Loved this!

Just saw it.
Unoffical video for tune-yards - gangsta
Meow
And then
Real Live Flesh
Bizness
Maybe more later, I have to go read

Entertain us...

Evening's Netflix was Zack and Miri Make A Porno.
"Oooooh, snow....remember how cold weather felt? Oh wait, nevermind, you never lived in a place with that weather."
Hmmmn, songs from when I worked either as a waitress or in a cafeteria.

so where are you

hum. are you in that state of your life where orange juice is good, because, yay, healthy O.J., diabetics drink it, or are you in that state of your life where it's bad and caloric and you should eat and peel the orange instead, and also what do certain persons' energies (i'm looking at you thoreau&emerson beatrice&ludovico elisabetta dante ben christine yada etcetra whatdoyouwantalreadynow?) are things to think about when eating almonds in the morning (that's the night-morning, so, it is healthy? caloric? terrible to eat before sleeping? that's pretty lame, not the part about peeling an orange, but saying it's just "bad and caloric" ugh why do people do that and then drink gallons of diet soda, FTS) hum. went the brain.

Fact of it is

there's people who scan the want ads in sickening panic on Sunday night and then drink cheap bourbon and ginger to feel better, and cheap isn't bad, and (even if you have relatives who can't drink because they've been to rehab) it's still a medicinal tonic!
~~~~
Also it's a drink for a four year old to sneak out of the adult's glasses in the livingroom.
~~~
Also the adults could've been in the army.
~~~
Also Army Dreamers was out then but probably none of them knew it.

A Thing To Try

Now In Rainbows (which I'm not so familiar with) is playing and it reminds me...
Driving in the hills (mountains) of Pennsylvania while listening to Koyannisqatsi.
Haven't done that in a long time, but I remember...

Intriguing things

So there was a dream where a guy drove around and lived in a big house in the hills somewhere and I talked to him a little? In his car maybe? Then he went to his house. I didn't go. It was secluded and nice, in some California far-off hills somewhere. That one looked a bit like Jon Stewart (wtf? dreams) And yeah I noticed his resemblance to James Stewart in this movie he was in with Ginger Rogers which I caught on TCM at a house when I was feeding some cats HMMMMMMMMM...
I like this and it's superaffordable and I'll see if housemate buys it...
A. Palmer sings Radiohead on Ukulele

Spritz

"Martin and martini," Mrs. Krueger said again. "I wish I could think like that but I just don't have a creative bone in my body. Now, Nancy." She turned to me again. "You're lucky. You're creative."
"I am lucky," I agreed, spritzing the countertop with 409.
--A Broom of One's Own by Nancy Peacock (pg 43)

Mr. Cash $$$

Sometimes, Cry Cry Cry plays in the background, and wow, it's appropriate. In a way, it's cool, actually, to have a good solid reason to feel slammed into the ground. It's not as crazy, like if your mind is suddenly going to pieces, thinking about folks hurling themselves over bridges, because of being overwhelmed with A B & C hitting the mind all at once. Just one solid reason...it's calming. And all because of A Solid Reason. Funny that! Get Rhythm...
~~~~~
Big River...

Pas de deux

Kind of like, beauty & also
this is how people can live.
Interesting to watch in the dark.
Norman McLaren's Pas de Deux